Posted on May 07, 2018
One day I turned to my husband and said "You know, I'm not so much of a perfectionist anymore." Not only did I state it but I was confident about it. Yet, there was a truth I had yet to discover.
I have been a perfectionist for as long as I could remember. Always feeling the need to present a certain image of myself to the world, those tendencies spilled over into most areas of my life. With experiences, perspective and of course, therapy, I learned to live a life where I am continually working towards unearthing some grace instead of falling in line with the harsh demands I placed on myself. Then one day, through writing, I realized something. In my recovery, I was still very much a perfectionist and it was keeping me chained to an old pattern of self-deprecating thoughts.
Recovery is not new to me. I am a 31-year-old wife and mother who was diagnosed with an eating disorder almost 17 years ago. I viewed recovery as an end point, believing that one day I would be able to wipe my hands clean of my eating disorder and fully walk away. So, what happened when I had a hard day? A hard week? That old script would kick in. I would drop my head in my hands and feel swallowed by the negative words scrolling through my mind.
I was depleted and needed a new script, a way of thinking that would fill me up instead of break me down. Yes, I have been in recovery for quite some time. Yes, I have moments, days or even weeks that feel harder than others. BUT, I KEEP SHOWING UP. I have never quit on myself or my recovery. I decided, that is more a representation of my strength and tenacity than it is a sign of failure or weakness.
That statement gifted me much more breathing room. That realization is an incredibly softer place to land.
Is there anywhere in your life or recovery that you need to find a softer place to land?